Harry Potter and the scary problem
by Arcane-Angel
Summary: Harry has a scary problem. What will he do! Yeah, it's slash. so what?
1. What's the metter Herry?

'What's the metter Herry?' inquired prof. Mcgonogall.  
  
'It's.it's nothing,' he replied, his voice trembling.  
  
'Ok. I'll be off then.'  
  
So off she went, leaving Harry alone with his thoughts. He was confused (unlike usual (can you feel the sarcasm?)). He was having all these weird thoughts and urges, which he'd never had before. Suddenly, there was a crash, and Ron appeared.  
  
'Did you forget to open the door again?'  
  
Ron looked behind him. 'Yeah.'  
  
'You've really got to stop doing that.'  
  
'I know. It's a bad habit.'  
  
Ron sat down next to Harry.  
  
'Is there something wrong?' asked Ron.  
  
Harry looked deep into Ron's eyes. He was the one person he wanted to tell the most, and yet, the one person he felt he could never tell.  
  
'Ron, I.'  
  
'Hi, Everybody!'  
  
Somehow, they both felt compelled to say 'Hi Dr. Nick!' but they fought the urge, and instead said  
  
'Hi Neville.'  
  
'Have you heard the news about the new defence against the dark arts teacher?'  
  
(At this point, I think I should probably tell you that this is set at the beginning of the fifth book. They've all just arrived at school.)  
  
'It's a woman!'  
  
Harry and Ron gasped. A main role in the book going to a woman. Obviously, there was Hermione and Mcgonagal, but they were both shameless stereotypes, like all the more minor female characters, and never did anything cool. The dark arts teachers always did something special.  
  
After a stunned silence, Harry managed to choke out  
  
'What's she called?'  
  
'Professor Lewinsky. And she's really hot!'  
  
Harry and Ron breathed a sigh of relief it was all ok, the new female character would just be a sex object for the boys to drool over. Life was back on track. Ron could get back to thinking about those cool muggle 'Teletubby' things, and Harry could get back to worrying about his. problem.  
  
Neville said goodbye and went back to find more people to tell, leaving them alone again. Harry tried again.  
  
'Ron, I've known you a long time, and we've always been friends, but.'  
  
'Harry, Ron, quick, something terrible's happened!' cried Hermione, bursting into the room.  
  
'What?' Said Harry, jumping up.  
  
'Nothing. Just trying to worry you. Are those fruit roll-ups?' She gestured a plate lying next to Ron on the bed.  
  
'Er, yes, but you really worried us!'  
  
'Good.'  
  
Hermione sat down, and started pigging out.  
  
'How did they get there?' wondered Ron. The he joined Hermione.  
  
Suddenly, Harry felt an odd sensation in his hand. He looked down.  
  
'Oh my God.' he whispered. 


	2. That’s furnunculus fleshcrawler, the dea...

Having read the fifth book, I now know that this is nothing like what it was, or even might have been like. Also, I feel a bit mean being mean about Snape. Oh well. Also, PLEASE don't send me reviews that ramble on for paragraphs about what's wrong with this. It's just meant to be a bit of fun. If you like it, read it. If you don't, don't. Sorry about that, read on.  
  
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The palm of Harry's hand was purple. The rash was crawling over the rest of his hand, and his flesh was beginning to bubble. The weirdest thing of all was that it didn't hurt. It just felt funny. He screamed.  
  
Hermione looked up from the plate of fruity delights.  
  
'Harry, what is it?'  
  
He couldn't speak all he could do was hold up his hand for them to see. Ron promptly fainted. Hermione stood up, knocking a small table with a vase of flowers on it (awww!) over.  
  
'Oh sh-' she began, but then remember that no-one ever swears in Harry Potter books, with the possible exception of Ron, who says 'bloody hell' every so often. 'That's furnunculus fleshcrawler, the deadly skin disease.'  
  
'It is!?!?!?!?!?' exclaimed Harry.  
  
'No, just trying to worry you again. It's bogstone syndrome. It sometimes makes your hand fall off, but only if it's not treated in time. Come on, we'd better get you to the hospital wing.'  
  
'What about Ron?' asked Harry.  
  
'Oh, he'll be alright,' replied Hermione, 'Let's go.'  
  
So they set off for the hospital wing, Hermione having bandage Harry's hand to stop the rash developing any further. Who knew what wild and unbelievable encounters they would have before they got there? Who indeed?  
  
Well, me, but you don't, so ner.  
  
**************************************************************************** *****************  
  
The first person Harry and Hermione came across on their trek to the Hospital Wing was Professor Snape. He was prowling around the corridors trying to find someone to tell off. As soon as he glimpsed Harry, his face lit up.  
  
'Potter!' he snarled, 'What are you doing here at this time of night?'  
  
'First of all, it's seven o'clock. And second of all,' he held out his hand, 'I have contracted a terrible and contagious skin disease, which you will catch if you don't leave us alone.'  
  
'Right,' said Snape, somewhat taken aback, 'On your way then.'  
  
And Harry and Hermione ran off, giggling.  
  
The next person they saw was Seamus Finnigan.  
  
'Hello, Harry,' he called out.  
  
'Hi Seamus,' replied Harry.  
  
'How's it goin' then?'  
  
'Ok, but I've got a bit of a rash on my hand. I'm sure it'll clear up soon though.'  
  
'Oh, well. Tell me how that goes then. Bye.' And off he trotted, pondering.  
  
Then, they came across PROFESSOR LEWINSKY!!! (You remember, the woman who was now teaching DADA, and no, she isn't evil, and she doesn't work for the Ministry of Magic, and no, she doesn't have a nasty quill that writes in the writer's own blood.) She wasn't 'Hot' as Neville had described her, but she was perfectly attractive, and looked as though she might be rawther nice.  
  
'Ah, you must be Harry Potter. I've heard a lot about you,' she said.  
  
'Er, yes, that's me,' replied Harry, 'This is Hermione Granger.'  
  
'Hello, Hermione. It's nice to meet you,' said prof. Lewinsky, pleasantly.  
  
Hermione seemed struck. This was a woman unlike any other she had ever seen before.  
  
'H. Hi,' said Hermione, 'It's nice to meet you too.'  
  
They shook hands. Then Prof. Lewinsky excused herself, saying she had a lot to do. Harry and Hermione continued towards the Hospital wing. 


	3. You! I wanna take you to a Gay Bar!

Lyrics by the good people of Electric 6.  
  
--------------------------------------------  
  
Soon they got to the hospital wing. Madam Pomfrey told them that Hermione's analysis of bogstone syndrome was correct, and told Harry that all he needed was a course of tablets over the next week. She gave them to him.  
  
'Oh, and they can have an aphrodisiac effect, but I'm sure that will be alright,' she said as they left.  
  
'Yeah, that's fine,' said Harry.  
  
He thought that maybe it would come in useful.  
  
**************************************************************************** *******  
  
On the way back to Gryffindor house, Hermione and Harry met with Hagrid.  
  
'Arrr, 'ermione, 'arry, Oi thought oi should tell ya. Oi'm goin' ta sea ta seek moi fortune. Oh revwar!'  
  
And he was away. Hermione and Harry didn't quite get what he said (they rarely did) but they got that the jist of it was that he was running away to sea.  
  
'Um, bye!' they called after him.  
  
**************************************************************************** *******  
  
Ron was lying on his bed, listening to his walkman. Yeah yeah, I know that electric stuff doesn't work at Hogwarts (I *have* read Hogwarts: A History) but it was a *magic* walkman. Suddenly, a song came on that Ron just couldn't help getting up and dancing to.  
  
'You!' sang Ron, out loud  
  
'I wanna take you to a gay bar,  
  
I wanna take you to a gay bar,  
  
I wanna take you to a gay bar,  
  
gay bar, gay bar.'  
  
This whole thing was accompanied by a complicated dance routine, including much hip thrusting and arse wobbling.  
  
'Let's start a war, start a nuclear war,  
  
At the gay bar, gay bar, gay bar.  
  
Waah,  
  
At the gay bar.'  
  
At this point, Neville and Seamus came in, and after looking at him in an odd manner for a while, joined in as backing dancers.  
  
'Now tell me, do ya, a do ya have any money?  
  
I wanna spend all your money,  
  
at the gay bar, gay bar, gay bar.'  
  
And now Harry and Hermione get back from the hospital wing. Hermione looked disappointed that the fruit roll ups had gone.  
  
'I've got something to put in you,  
  
I've got something to put in you,'  
  
Harry felt something he had never felt before (I'm going to leave it to your imaginations what. I'm sure you'll figure it out.)  
  
'I've got something to put in you,  
  
At the gay bar, gay bar, gay bar.  
  
Hah!  
  
You're a superstar at the gay bar.  
  
Yeah you're a superstar at the gay bar.  
  
You're a superstar at the gay bar.  
  
Superstar.  
  
Super, superstar!'  
  
'My gosh that was superb!' exclaimed Harry.  
  
Ron, who hadn't noticed everyone else, looked a touch embarrassed, but pleased at the same time.  
  
'Oh, well, er, thanks Harry. It's my favourite song.' 


	4. Finally, it happens

By the by, if you like this type of fic, and even if you don't think this one's particularly good, seek out 'Harry Potter and the Warlock's Wafer' by Reclusive Watermelon Angelrock. It's really good. Better than this, I think, but that's just my opinion. On we go.  
  
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Later that evening:  
  
Some of the kids had decided to have a sleepover as it was the weekend. It had to be in the boys dormitory, obviously, so they all piled in in their jammies and sleeping bags (*magic* sleeping bags). It was a bit of a squash, but that didn't matter. Harry and Ron somehow ended up sitting together.  
  
They got to talking about secret crushes.  
  
'Well, I really don't go in for that sort of thing. Fner fner fner fner,' said Hermione.  
  
'Oh, well, there's this gurrl in Hufflepuff who's very good looking,' said Seamus in his thick Irish accent.  
  
Neville piped up with 'Oh, that Professor Lewinsky's cool.' And some of the others confessed to various crushes.  
  
Soon it was Harry's turn.  
  
'Oh, um, no, I don't fancy anyone. Really I don't. Seriously. Stop looking at me like I'm crazy. I'm not crazy. Stop it. Stop it. WAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!' and he ran out of the room, shrieking. The others stared at the door for a minute and then proceeded.  
  
***************************  
  
About half an hour later, Harry re-entered the room, having composed himself. He re-joined the group and tried (unsuccessfully, you know how slow he is) to pick up what was going on. Eventually, he worked out that someone had suggested truth or dare and that was what they were playing.  
  
The game started off quite tamely. Hermione was dared to do a little dance. Seamus had to sing a little song, and Neville was dared to get down tonight. Ron had to sing 'I'm a little teapot' complete with actions. There were more truths, and more dares, and the game gradually got more and more sexy (by their standards anyway) until it got to [gasp!] snogging.  
  
First, Hermione was dared to pull Neville. Although she normally wouldn't have, Dean Thomas had been spiking her drinks all evening, and a dare *is* a dare after all.  
  
'Ready Neville?' she asked.  
  
'Well, yeah, but can I just.,.' and he was cut off by Hermione grabbing his head and kissing him. After a couple of minutes he staggered backwards, wiping his mouth.  
  
'I think I'll go and brush my teeth,' he said, dazedly, and left the room.  
  
Then, it was Harry's turn.  
  
He chose dare. Seamus gave him one (tee hee, double entendre). 'I dare you to. kiss Ron. Properly. With tongues.'  
  
Harry's heart started racing.  
  
'Uh oh,' he thought, 'I really want to do this, but what if everyone finds out? What will they think?'  
  
His train of thought was cut off by Ron saying 'Harry? Do you mind?'  
  
'Oh, er, no, I suppose not.'  
  
They both stood up. Ron put his hands on Harry's waist and pulled him gently towards him. Harry closed his eyes and tilted his head slightly to the right. He felt his lips touch Ron's, and it was like fireworks were going off in his head. They were warm, and soft. He felt as though he was dreaming. It was like he wasn't controlling his own body any more. He felt his mouth open, and Ron's tongue touching his. It tasted odd, not unpleasant, but like nothing he had ever tasted before. He suddenly became aware of everyone else, and pulled away.  
  
'Wow,' he whispered.  
  
'Yeah,' replied Ron. 


	5. Glug glug glug

The rest of the game was uneventful, and they soon went off to bed. The next day everyone slept in. It was a Sunday and no-one had any homework as it was the beginning of term. They ate a long, leisurely, full English breakfast and went back up to the common room to relax. By this time it was 11 o'clock. Now came the moment Harry had been both dreading and wanting.  
  
Ron tapped Harry on the shoulder.  
  
'I think we need to talk.'  
  
'Yeah, I suppose we do.'  
  
Ron led Harry into a small, empty classroom close to the Gryffindor tower.  
  
'We're more than friends, aren't we? There's something there,' said Ron.  
  
'I know,' said Harry, 'I've felt this way for some time.'  
  
'What way?'  
  
'Ron, I.,.'  
  
Suddenly, Hermione burst into the room.  
  
'Quick, you guys have *got* to see this!'  
  
'What?' they asked in unison.  
  
'No time to explain, come on!'  
  
They raced back into the common rooom (yes rooom). In the middle of the room were Fred and George. They were selling what seemed to be some form of truth serum.  
  
'So,' Fred was saying, 'If you give this to a person, we guarantee that the next thing they say will be true.'  
  
'It only works once,' said George, 'So be careful.'  
  
They were immediately swamped with offers from the surrounding crowd, including Harry. Hermione pulled him back, reprimanding him thoroughly.  
  
'Honestly Harry, I'd have thought *you'd* have a little more sense [ever hopeful]. This is highly dangerous. They've gone too far this time. And I can't do anything about it!'  
  
Ron and Harry couldn't think of anything to say to this, so they remained silent. Hermione stormed off, muttering. By this time the crowd had died down. Ron looked at his watch and realised it was lunchtime. They didn't get another chance to talk that day. In the afternoon Harry had quidditch practice, and after that was supper, and.,. you know. They didn't finish they're conversation.  
  
*****  
  
The next day they started lessons. They had double potions first, to their disgust.  
  
[At this point, I really think I should tell you something that happened the previous night.]  
  
Sunday night, Snape's place.  
  
Lucius Malfoy is going through the post.  
  
'Bill, Bill, last notice, Bill, Bill,' he muttered, 'Severus! You've got to stop Bill from writing to you every five minutes. I'm going to start thinking it's not really over between you two.'  
  
He didn't mean this, of course. He knew that Bill had just been a stupid.,. ness [cough], and that Severus had been hurt far too badly to ever take him back.  
  
'Ooh, your wizard's weekly mag. has come through.  
  
Upon hearing this, Snape bounded down the stairs.  
  
'What's the free gift? What's the free gift?' he called out excitedly.  
  
' "Read minds for a day"' Lucius recited, ' "Drink this potion and you will be able to read the mind of whover you look at for 24 hours" Hmm. Sounds interesting.'  
  
'Wow!' Snape enthused, and glugged it down, right there and then. 


	6. HERBOLOGY!

Right, where were we? Oh yes, they had potions first thing. Snape had told them all what to do and was now wandering around the class listening to people's thoughts. He passed Malfoy Crabbe and Goyle. Crabbe was singing a song about cheese in his head and Goyle's mind was completely blank. Malfoy's thoughts were a series of inaudible grumbles ranging from: 'Die Harry Potter!' to: 'I feel like warm milk.'  
  
'Funny,' though Snape, 'He doesn't look like warm milk.,.'  
  
He snickered to himself, rather too loudly.  
  
Upon looking at Harry, he could immediately see that his mind was not on his work, before he even read it. Harry was staring into space.  
  
'That kiss was amazing. I never thought it would feel like that. Will we ever finish that conversation? Will we ever be honest with each other? Will I ever find out if my feelings are returned?  
  
Why is he looking at me like that?'  
  
"Professor can I help you?"  
  
Without noticing, Snape had moved closer and closer to Harry, totally engrossed in his thoughts, and he was now standing on Harry's remarkably large shoes.  
  
'Oh, um, sorry, er, good work Harry, carry on.,.'  
  
Harry regarded him suspiciously for a moment, never having received this kind of praise from the potions master before. He soon got back to his Bubblejuice potion, and having lost his train of thought was now thinking stripy socks and multi-coloured-long-johns.  
  
'Damn,' thought Snape, 'I never found who it was!'  
  
'Um, Professor Snape?'  
  
Snape whipped around.  
  
'What is it?' he snapped at the timid looking third year, who had just entered the room, 'can't you see I'm teaching?'  
  
'Um, Professor Dumbldore wishes to speak to Happy Rotter, I mean Harry Potter.' He gulped.  
  
'Well, he'll have to see him after the lesson.'  
  
Are you getting a strange sense of déjà vu?  
  
'please sir, he says he has to come now. Right now.'  
  
'Aaar!' growled Snape, reverting to Piratism in his fury, 'Fine! Take the boy! See if I care!' the final insult. Bum bum bum! [You know you''re going a bit mad when an apostrophe is the final insult.]  
  
Harry and Bob (the third year) went up to Dumblydorrrrr's office  
  
'Strawberry lollipops,' said Bob, and the Gaaaaaaaargoooyyyle did its thang, revealing the staircase of doooooom! No wait, to Dumbledore's abode.  
  
'Up you go,' ordered Bob.  
  
'Aren't.,. aren't you coming too?' asked Harry.  
  
'Nah, I've got to get back to Herbology! Good luck!' [When he said the word 'Herbology!' he put both his arms out and shouted in a deep booming voice.]  
  
As Harry ascended the spiral stair [like Spinal Tap only better] he wondered what an earth Dumbledore could want from him. [Hmm what indeed?] Just as he reached the top he heard a familiar voice requesting he enter the office. [bum bum BUM!]  
  
'Wow!' thought Harry 'Magic! [Cheesy too!] how did he know I was here?'  
  
Little did he know that Dumbledore had been saying this every five seconds since he sent Bob on his mission impossible [Dun dun der der dun dun duuuuh der dun dun der der dun dun der der DUN!] for effect.  
  
Harry entered the room cautiously [like a particularly cautious snail-I was gonna say cat but ok-] and met with his headmaster's stoney gaze.  
  
Dumbledore lowered his hands and surveyed Harry through his half-moon glasses.  
  
'It is time to destroy the world! Mwa ha ha ha ha ha!' he boomed. 'nah, I'm just messin' wicha' He said in his best impression of a cool black man [and it has to be said his best really wasn't that good. Tut tut tut. Must watch more movies with cool black men in them.]  
  
'It is time,' he tried again, 'for me to tell you what I should have told you fiiiiive yeeeaaars ago! Harry, please sit down. I am going to tell you everything.' He leaned forward surveyed Harry yet again! Except this time, it was OVER his half-moon glasses.  
  
BUM BUM BUM! [Can you feel the tension????????]  
  
*****  
  
AN: Thank you to Faith [Reclusive Watermelon Angelrock] for typing this out for me, and adding her own special comments. That is why this chapter has something special that none of the others will have.  
  
Luv U. 


	7. Dumbledore's story

Dumbledore's story.  
  
"The year was 1989, and your parents had been blissfully married for three months and eight days. One day Lily decided that she wanted to have a baby. That evening the following conversation took place.  
  
'James, sit down. I have something I want to say to you.'  
  
James sat down.  
  
'What is it?' he asked.  
  
'I want to have a baby. With you.'  
  
'Lily I have to tell you something. I can't have children.'  
  
'Why not?' she gasped.  
  
'Because if we have a son, he might turn out like me, and you don't want that. Do you? Do you? DOOOO YOOOOUUU?'  
  
'That's a chance I'm willing to take. I want children James, and if you don't give them to me, someone else will!'  
  
'And what's that supposed to mean?'  
  
'It means I don't have patience for your silliness. You don't want to drive me into the arms of another man, do you?'  
  
'Don't be ridiculous. What other man would take a midget like you? You're four foot two for heaven's sake!'  
  
'That hurts James. And I can tell you who. Perhaps a man like Sirius!'  
  
'You mean Sirius Black? My best friend? [You can see where Harry gets his startling intelligence from] was there ever something between you?'  
  
'No I'm just saying that there might be.'  
  
'Oh my god! I don't believe that my wife's having an affair with my best friend! [See what I mean?]'  
  
'No I just said that I'm not! Don't you listen?'  
  
'um.,.'  
  
'I can't take this anymore! I'm leaving!'  
  
'But when will you come back?'  
  
'I don't know. Maybe never. Goodbye.'  
  
And she left without looking back.  
  
"Lily did not know where to turn. She couldn't go to her family, because they were all bastards."  
  
"Professor Dumbledore!" objected Harry, "that's a bad word!"  
  
"Oh yes. So it is. Sorry m'dear."  
  
"Well, that's ok. But don't do it again!"  
  
"Ok. Now where was I? Oh yes. Your mother had left your father. And didn't know where to turn. Looking in her address book, it fell open on 'H'; the first name she saw was Rubeus Hagrid. So she decided to pay him a visit, and see if she could stay the night there. So she took the knight bus to Hagrid's hut, and knocked on the door.  
  
"Upon opening the door, Hagrid was confronted with a rather bedraggled and cold-looking Lily Potter. She looked like she was on the verge of tears.  
  
'Aaar, Lily, What are you doin' 'ere?'  
  
'I.,. I just had a fight with James, and I didn't know where to turn.'  
  
'Well come on in then love!'  
  
And indeed she did 'come on in', indeed she did. Hagrid gave your mother some tea with a couple of drops of brandy in it, to warm her up, and they sat down at the table. She poured out her misery to him, and as the evening progressed, they drank more and more brandy and less and less tea. By one in the morning, she was completely hammered. [Imagine Dumbledore telling you that you mother was completely hammered nine months before your birth with a half giant of whom she was very fond. Scary, no?]  
  
The morning after the night before, Lily was very worried. She couldn't remember a thing about last night.  
  
'Um, last night, we didn't.,. um.,. did we?'  
  
'Aaar, I don' rightly know to be honest wicha'.'  
  
Lily rushed about the hut trying to find her clothes and out of the door in a blind panic. Hagrid called something about breakfast after her.  
  
"So your mother went to the doctor's and discovered to her infinite horror, that she was pregnant."  
  
"What are you saying?" inquired Harry.  
  
"What I'm saying, dear boy, is that you are the result of a whirlwind affair between lily Potter and Rubeus Hagrid!" cried Dumbledore.  
  
"What are you implying?"  
  
"Listen very carefully, Harry. And look at me. Hagrid, knocked up, your mother." He said very slowly.  
  
Harry looked thoughtful for a while then gasped.  
  
"You mean.,. Professor Quirrell was working for Voldemort all along!?"  
  
"Harry that was four years ago. Get a grip."  
  
"You mean.,. Hagrid's my mother!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!"  
  
"FATHER, Harry, FATHER!"  
  
"You mean.,. Hagrid's my FATHER?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!"  
  
Dumbledore started a slow clap.  
  
"Well you got there in the end, Harry, that's all that matters really."  
  
Bum Bum BUUUUUUM!  
  
[It was so exciting I broke my two-week-old-ice-lolly stick]  
  
* * * * *  
  
Thanks again to Faith for typing this out for me. 


	8. Aaaaaaarrrrggggghhhhhh, matey!

Harry was stunned. He had just discovered that his father was not, in fact, James Potter, but Rubeus Hagrid, half giant, and keeper of the keys and grounds at Hogwarts.  
  
He was full of questions, but it took him a while to voice them.  
  
'But.,. How come I'm not huge if I'm ¼ giant?'  
  
'Well that's another long story.'  
  
'Short version?'  
  
'Well, your mother was in fact half midget. Have you never wondered why she was so short?'  
  
'Then how come Aunt Petunia isn't so short?'  
  
'Because your grandmother Edith had a whirlwind affair with a midget, I forget his name.'  
  
'You like saying that don't you?'  
  
'Yes. Whirlwind. Whirlwind. Whirly whirly whirlwind. Anyway, your giant heritage also brought itself out in your preposterously large feet.'  
  
'So where did my midget heritage show itself?'  
  
'Um.,. In another [shifty eyes] area. Moving on, altogether your half midget and half giant father added up to a normal size boy, except for two, er, things.'  
  
Harry glanced down briefly before replying.  
  
'And how come I look so much like James Potter?'  
  
'Well, to hide the fact of your parentage from the world, Lily had some of James Potter's genes transplanted into you, while you were a foetus.'  
  
'Weird. So why are you telling me this now?'  
  
'Because, Harry, your father, Hagrid, is in teeerrrrrrriiiibbbbblllllleeee ddaaaaaaaannnnnnnnnngggggggeeeeeeeeerrrr!!!!!! And only you can save him.'  
  
'Wait a minute! That means that my name is Harry Hagrid! That rhymes! No wait! It's a- a - al- alcatraz, no, albermon, no, erm.,.'  
  
Dumbledore soon grew tired of this. 'Alliteration! Anyway, it is of no consequence. You have to go and save Hagrid! With Ron. And Hermione if she'll come.'  
  
'How come I have to take them?'  
  
'Because you're useless without them. Do you really think you would still be alive without that pair? Gosh Harry you *are* naïve. Hermione is the only one who has any brains, and Ron, well, he plays a damn good game of chess! And he's loyal. Like a dog.'  
  
'So you're saying, I need to go, and rescue, my father, who is Hagrid.'  
  
'By George I think he's got it!'  
  
* * * * *  
  
So Harry Ron and Hermione set off on their arduous quest. The only problem was that they had no idea where to start. But Harry had an idea of where to find an idea of where to start. Sirius Black. For some reason, just to be convenient, he happened to be staying at the Three Broomsticks at that time, having cast a spell over himself, so that no one would recognise him. So that's where they went first.  
  
They soon arrived at the Three Broomsticks at which point they hit their first [the first of many] snag. They couldn't recognise him.  
  
'Sirius! Sirius Black!' called out Harry upon entering the tavern. Fortunately, the only person who happened to be in the room, at the time, was a man with long blonde hair and enormous dark glasses. He walked with a limp, and wore a rather unusual assortment of clothes.  
  
'Shut up!' hissed the man. 'It's me, Sirius. But call me Chive.'  
  
'Why?'  
  
'Because that's what I've told them my name is.'  
  
'Why?'  
  
'I don't know. It's my favourite herb. I panicked ok?'  
  
'Ok then. Let's sit down.'  
  
They all ordered butter beers, except, of course, for Chive, who ordered Peach Schnapps.  
  
'So what is it that you want to know?'  
  
Harry had forgotten, so Hermione stepped in. Ron was strangely quiet. He seemed to be watching something.  
  
'As you know,' said Hermione, 'Hagrid has run away to sea, to become a pirate, and he's in teeerrrrrrriiiibbbbblllllleeee ddaaaaaaaannnnnnnnnngggggggeeeeeeeeerrrr!!!!!! We need to know more.'  
  
'Well, you may not know this about me, but I also used to be a pirate, in between my Hogwarts years, and that time when I was a good friend of your parents and all that crap. Well actually one of them wasn't really you parent, but anyway, I'm rambling.'  
  
Harry gasped. 'You knew that? I thought it was a closely guarded secret!'  
  
'Oh God no. The only person who didn't know was James. None too bright you see. Anyway, I happen to know that Hagrid used his last savings to buy a boat called 'The Hairy Snail', and a crew. I'm afraid that's all I know, but, I can tell you the name of a man who knows pretty much everything that goes on in the world of pirates. His name is Jack Sparrow.[ *Gasp!* BUM BUM BUUUUM! But don't worry, this won't be a really big cross over, he's just convenient.] you can find him at the 'Smelly Smelson' in London.'  
  
'Thank you very much Chive,' said Hermione. 'That's really helpful of you.'  
  
'Bye Sirius!' said Harry, in an unusually loud voice. 


	9. The Hairy Snail

They soon arrived at the Smelly Smelson, having travelled by travelling snuff [See Barry Trotter and the Shameless Parody by some guy, I can't remember right now, I'll say later.] Chive had given them a picture of Captain Sparrow and it was fairly obvious which one was him. He was sitting in the corner drinking rum and leering at somebody.  
  
'Er, Mr Sparrow?' asked Hermione tentatively.  
  
'Captain Sparrow, please,' he replied 'What can I do for you?'  
  
Hermione introduced them all, and told him their story.  
  
'Well that's quite a pickle,' he said, 'I think I can help you though. Just this once. And only because Sirius is a very good friend of mine. So don't think you can come to me every time you have a problem, savvy?'  
  
'Ok,' said Harry.  
  
'Right, Hagrid's ship, The Hairy Snail, is currently moored in Dover. The quickest and easiest way to get to it is by boat.'  
  
'Will you take us?'  
  
'Hell no. I have too much to do here. But I can give you directions. Now, you have to go, because I am waiting for a girl called Laura. Bye.'  
  
'Ok,' said Hermione, 'Bye. And thank you.'  
  
'Yeah yeah.'  
  
Suddenly someone burst into the room. It was professor Lewinsky!  
  
'Harry! Harry Potter! Where are you?' she cried breathlessly.  
  
'Um, I'm right here,' said Harry.  
  
'Please take me with you! When I heard Hagrid was in trouble, I had to come and help you save him.'  
  
'Why?' asked Ron.  
  
'Because I used to know him. I was his girlfriend for three years between 1986 and 1989.'  
  
'Did you split up?' asked Harry  
  
Hermione tutted and rolled her eyes skyward.  
  
'Oh no, we're still together. Of course we split up!'  
  
Harry looked confused for a while, and she continued.  
  
'I split up with him after his whirlwind affair with your mother.'  
  
Harry looked stunned.  
  
'What whirlwind affair?'  
  
'You know, he's your dad?'  
  
Harry gasped and sat down clutching his chest in shock.  
  
'Just ignore him,' said Hermione, 'he's like that sometimes. Please continue with your story.'  
  
'Well, we split up, but I now realise that it was a big mistake, and I want us to get back together, but I can't do that if he's in teeerrrrrrriiiibbbbblllllleeee ddaaaaaaaannnnnnnnnngggggggeeeeeeeeerrrr!!!!!!'  
  
'So you want to help us rescue him?' realised Ron.  
  
'Yes,' sighed Gladys, which was her first name, 'And by the way, call me Gladys.'  
  
'Why?'  
  
'Because it's my name.'  
  
'Ah.' 


	10. On the boat

Off they all went. They took a boat to Dover. Anyway, they didn't have much difficulty in a boat heading in the right direction, and they set off. To begin with, the weather was good, and they were having a lovely time. It was quite a big boat, so they all had their own space and weren't too crowded. They all got settled in. Gladys decided to have a nap, because she had had lots of terrible and wonderful adventures between Hogwarts and the Smelly Smelson. Harry was gazing at the ocean and Hermione was reading, as she did. Ron, who had not had much experience of boats, was wandering up and down, trying to think of something to do. He then remembered the whole thing about Harry, and decided to do something about it.  
  
Ron went below deck to find some writing paper and a pen. You see, he had decided to get something constructive out of his conundrum, and write a best-selling book on the highs and lows of his recent exploits. All he could find was a half-chewed crayon (in magenta) and some old post-its. So he sat down and, rather wobblily, set out on his quest. Unfortunately, Ron's handwriting was atrocious, and almost illegible to all but the most talented readers. The fact that he was in a moving boat didn't help. I will attempt to give you a copy of what he wrote here:  
  
'The crazy mishaps and adventures of me and Harry Potter  
  
Me and Harry ar best frinds. We go to hogworts skool of witching and. the other thing. Wwe hav had lots of funness and so forth. In our first yeer, we discovered the mystery of the warlocks wafre [see 'Harry Potter and the warlocks wafer' by reclusive watermelon angelrock]. In our second yeare, we almost coudnt get to skool because a small, treeshaped thing stopped us. Im still not sur whast happened ther, onestly. But the was this big snak, and Harry (my best frend) killed it with a big sord! Inm the third year, Harry's stepfather Chive went to azkaban, then back in, the out again, and something happened with snape. Or something. Yoo kno, Im realy not sure wht happened there ither/. Yo0u should ask haryy. In fourth year, Harry had thesa realy BIG spots, and there was this maezm and someone died, and everyone thought it would be Dumbledoreee, but it wasn't, and it was this reaaaaly obscure (ooh big word) character noones even heard of, and everyong was dissappoinntedd. So, anyway, this yeere, harrrry found outt that hs dadn is hagfrisd, so, he was all surprised, even though the resst of us knew, like, yyears agho. So, we hav to go and save Hagrid from being a priate, or cxomething. But theres this deep air of homoeroticism betweeeen him and me, which seems to be more pronounced noww, especially since that kiss. I chouldd probly sdo something about that, you know. Maybe I sould assk him on a date of something. I reely do like him. I wonder iff our frindship could evver be anything mor? Wat to you think?'  
  
While Ron was writing this, Harry was busy gazing and thinking, among other things, about Ron. He had now realised that he was, in fact, in love. With a guy. He still hadn't come to terms with this, fully, and wasn't really sure what to do, or even if Ron liked him back. He didn't even know if Ron was (whisper it) gay. I mean, yeah, he had agreed to kiss him, but he could just be comfortable with his masculinity, something which can be very attractive to girls. And, afterwards, he had said that they were more than just friends, but he could have meant that they were *best* friends, or some other corny crap like that.  
  
Oh dear, they were in a conundrum (before you ask, yes, I *do* like that word, conundrum, conundrum, conundy-nundy-nundrum. Thank you.) weren't they? Whatever will they do? What is Hermione reading? What is Gladys dreaming about? Does anyone care? Find out in chapter 11 of:  
  
Harry Potter and the Scary Problem! 


	11. Let's talk

All of a sudden it started raining. Harry, standing on the deck, looked upward and realised that the reason that he was gradually getting wetter and wetter was that small droplets of water were falling from the sky. He remembered something Hermione had said earlier, and dashed below decks to find her.  
  
'You see?' he cried.  
  
Hermione looked up from the heavy tome she was reading. 'What?'  
  
'You see?!?!' he said again, 'I do know to come in out of the rain! Hah!'  
  
Hermione gave him a pitying look and returned to her book. Harry sat down next to her.  
  
'So. Whatcha reading?' he inquired.  
  
'The Grapes of Wroth,' she replied, without looking up.  
  
'Oh. Any good?'  
  
'Yes.'  
  
'What's it about?'  
  
'Given that it's one of the greatest literary works of all time, I doubt you'd understand.'  
  
'Oh. Ok then.'  
  
A few moments passed.  
  
'So,' said Harry, 'Whatcha reading?'  
  
'Oh for heaven's sake.'  
  
Hermione realised that she would not be able to read in peace, and gave up. She put her bookmark (a fluffy teddy one) in to the page she was on and swiveled round to face her friend.  
  
'What do you want, anyway?'  
  
'I don't know, I'm just bored, I suppose.'  
  
'So that's why you interrupted me.'  
  
'Well, there was something else.'  
  
'What?'  
  
'I...' he started, 'I kinda need your advice.'  
  
'What's happened?' She asked. She could sense that there was something seriously wrong.  
  
'I've been feeling a bit... weird.'  
  
'In what way?'  
  
'Well, when Ron...'  
  
'When I what?' asked Ron, bursting into the room (and forgetting to open the door. Again.)  
  
'Oh, nothing. Never mind. I'll talk to you later, Hermione.'  
  
'Ok, Harry, see you.'  
  
And he left, more worried than he had ever been.  
  
* * * * *  
  
Hermione and Ron sat in awkward silence for a while.  
  
'So what were you and Harry talking about?' he asked.  
  
'Oh, nothing. I don't know, he wanted to ask me something, but he couldn't quite get it out.'  
  
'Ok. I think there's something I have to do.'  
  
Ron left the room. He had decided. It was time. 


	12. We're there!

Ron found Harry at the stern (does that mean the front? I can't remember...) of the boat.  
  
'Harry,' he said, 'I think it's time for us to talk.'  
  
'Oh... Um, ok,' said Harry.  
  
'As you know, a lot has happened over the last few days, and I think that we've...'  
  
'Oh my God, Ron...'  
  
'Yeah, I know.'  
  
'No, Ron, you've got a lamp on your arm!' Harry cried.  
  
'Oh my God, so I have, help!'  
  
They struggled desperately to get the lamp off of Ron's arm, and it squealed in shock as they eventually managed to throw it overboard. It looked back at them and cried  
  
'I'll get you for this, Harry Potter, if it's the last thing I do! Just remember, I know!'  
  
It shook its plug in anger at them and sunk beneath the waves.  
  
'So, what were you saying?' asked Harry.  
  
'I have completely forgotten. Sorry.'  
  
'Oh. Oh well, tell me later then.'  
  
'Will do. TTFN!'  
  
And off he trotted on his merry little way.  
  
*****  
  
They soon reached Dover, where Gladys woke up and they began their investigations into the whereabouts of the 'Hairy Snail'. The story of these investigations is long and tedious, and I shall not bore you with it. Let's just say that it involved 3 beans, a kilo of guavas and a magic spoon, all owned by a fellow named Fred Poggs. The found out where the boat was docked and went to it.  
  
At first glance the ship appeared empty, so they went in for a closer look.  
  
'Hagrid?' Harry called.  
  
There was no answer. In fact, the ship still appeared empty. The whole place had become strangely quiet. The only noise was the gentle lapping of the waves.  
  
'This place creeps me out,' said Ron, 'are you sure we've got the right ship?'  
  
But it was the right ship, there were the words 'The Hairy Snail'. 


	13. hairy

Suddenly, eighteen hairy pirates jumped out at them from behind assorted barrels, piles of rope coiled on the deck and other ship-type paraphernalia. 'Yaar!' they all yelled, brandishing cutlasses and pistols galore. Harry squealed and fell to the deck, clutching his head. The others slowly raised their arms above their heads and gulped.  
  
Pretty soon Harry, Ron, Hermione and Gladys were all bound to a large wooden thing standing in the middle of the deck.  
  
The captain strode magnificently towards them. He was very pirate-y. He had a large black beard and a fabulous hat. On his shoulder there was a blue and yellow parrot.  
  
'So, who've we got here then?' he said.  
  
Hermione spoke up. 'My name is Roxanne Albertson. These are my brothers, Edgar and Harold. And this is our nanny. She's called... um, Noodle. (Hermione had run out of names, and so resorted to favourite foods instead.) And who might you be?'  
  
'But, Hermione, my name's not...'  
  
Hermione soon silenced Harry with a swift blow to the dangly bits. Ron didn't cause any trouble, as he was busy staring at a cloud that he thought looked like a rabbit.  
  
'Aah, where are my manners!' exclaimed the captain, 'Might I introduce myself. I am Captain Isaac Tomahawk, pirate captain and fashion designer. This is my dastardly crew. You'll note that they are all impeccably dressed.'  
  
Hermione did note that. There were a number of wonderful fashion-type creations on display. The token large black man, instead of the traditional cut off stripy trousers and bare-chested toplessness, wore a rather divine white-feathers-and-netting combo. One of the grizzled older blokes had on a hand stitched checked black and yellow jacket, and flared trousers. The younger members of the crew were all dressed in dark blue fitted t-shirts and tight jeans. All had enormous beards.  
  
'What have you done with Hagrid?' demanded Hermione.  
  
'Hagrid? Oh, Hagrid. Why, we've *done* nothing. In fact, you can see him now. Bring 'im out, boys!'  
  
Some of the men retreated, sniggering, below decks, and returned carrying a large bed. In the bed was an enormous man, bigger beard than everyone else put together. He was snoring loudly.  
  
It was Hagrid. 


End file.
